This is exactly what I was talking about in my post about in an earlier post for National Coming Out Day

At Sex 2.0 last year, Sarah Dopp said something about not all people (I think specifically queers, but also talking about kinksters, etc) want to wave their flag high, and they shouldn’t be made to out themselves, or even stand up and be counted. Not everyone is for a cause — some people just wanted to be who they are and not have to fight the battle everyday.

For many reasons I don’t care to advertise many things about myself. I won’t deny it if people ask, but my family doesn’t even know I’m gay or a sex worker. I struggle enough as it is.

I really go back and forth about Pride and coming out. I understand that we need to stand and be counted, but at the same time I don’t really want my personal identity to be so dependent on this one label. I just have too many other identities that are just as important as being queer. Since queerness and gay identity is still so tangled with queer sex, I don’t really want random strangers on the bus or at the day job to be thinking about me having queer sex, and how do lesbians do it. I know that might sound strange coming from someone who runs a network of real dyke porn sites and has had sex on camera many times, but I like keeping my sexual practices separate from the bus ride across town. I do have a very distinct sense of propriety and the proper time and place for these things. But really it would be nice if people didn’t automatically think about sexual practices if they read any woman as a lesbian while she’s browsing in the library.

I know that things in San Francisco are different from many other places in the US, and the fights and struggles for acceptance are still very real. I might be a freak and a pervert, but many queers are just normal people with ordinary jobs trying to live out the ordinary life with kids and cats and a garden. Of course there are plenty of gay folks on the fringes because for many people being gay is almost like being an outlaw. In fact when you consider all the places that still have laws against gay sex acts, preventing same sex couples from adopting children or marrying, and places that don’t uphold laws against homophobic hate crime, being gay can make you can outlaw. I don’t mind being an outlaw, but I’m not most people. I’m gay but I’m also a freak, so don’t look at me to be an example of a typical lesbian on National Coming Out Day. Queers are just like you and everyone else and want to be able to fit in and lead a normal life. Don’t mind us queer 1%ers.

In high school I had no idea there were other gay people around. This was before GSA’s started popping up everywhere – in fact, a few years after I graduated, I was contacted by a girl who wanted to talk about starting a GSA at my old high school! I had no tips for her, because I totally hadn’t realized that I wasn’t the only queer chick in school. I knew of exactly one gay boy and that was it. So it wasn’t until college -the first time around – that I realized there were other gay people out there. I’d learned about it from an academic standpoint, but never a social standpoint, until college.

For a long time, I had mostly straight friends. My wife was the only other queer person I really knew in the area. I had some gay friends online, but nobody I could talk to in person (the DC Lesbian Avengers were never very successful, and after the local lesbian bookstore closed they were gone). I thought about working with Burgundy Crescent, a local GLBT volunteer organization, but I had a hard time with the concept of just introducing myself to strangers, so I didn’t do it. As a result, I was still pretty isolated from gay people, until 2004 when I got involved with the local leather community. Now when I say “involved,” I mean as an outsider – I am not really a leather person myself, I was there to interpret and I made several friends in the local deaf leather community. But I only saw these people for certain events, so online was still my only gay contact spot. In 2005 I went on an all-gay cruise (as an interpreter) and had a blast, but that was only for a week.

But going back to school last year brought out a whole new world. I have real local friends now, that I do real local things with, like going out to dinner and everything! They are a mix of gay and straight, with my best guy friend being a flaming homosexual (I love him to bits) and my best girl friend being straight (but I can overlook that flaw). I realized that even though I yearned to belong to a lesbian/gay/queer community for a long time, I don’t need to focus ONLY on that group. I need to have some gay people around me so I can be my fabulous self – and occasionally shock them with kinky questions! But I don’t need to have ONLY gay friends. You’d be surprised what a realization that was!

And although you’d never know I was gay by looking at me – there are tons of rainbow necklaces and butch haircuts all over campus, but I outgrew that a few years back – pretty much everyone knows I’m gay. I refer to my wife constantly, I’m always speaking up when a semi-gay issue comes up in class (you should have seen me in Sex & Gender last semester!), and it is basically no secret whatsoever among my social circle that I’m a big ol’ homo. And I like it that way. It was such a relief to learn that I don’t need to socialize with gay people because they’re gay – I need to socialize with people because they’re people. Gay people are just extra cool!

I think vegan visibility in the adult industry is a good thing even though I see sex workers and sex positive people getting all sorts of horrible comments in online vegan communities. I’ve never had anyone say a bad word about vegan porn to my face, but then I also generally don’t associate with people who would wish to say bad things about me to my face. I think that combining veganism and sexuality creates healthier attitudes towards our bodies and the highlights the importance of sexual health and diet in total health.

I was all set to watch the finale this week, because I wanted to see if Dani won or not. Unfortunately, they replaced it with a recap/rerun thing. Sooooo I will be watching next weekend to see if Dani gets it, or the guy does. I have been watching the commercials, and I think there is a little twinkle in Tila’s eye when she says “I choose…” and looks at Dani. But damn, I have no idea!

Added: Looks like I have access to some here! programming through my on-demand service, but Dante’s Cove isn’t there. Damn! Also, check out the top 11 lesbian/bi moments in sci-fi and fantasy courtesy AfterEllen.

What does a lesbian bring on the first date? (A toothbrush.)
What does a lesbian bring on the second date? (A U-Haul.)

Sorry I haven’t been posting much, I have been insanely busy, but I don’t know if anybody notices anyway!