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Biphobia hurts us all

Sunday, March 24th, 2013

I recently had some serious problems with a woman I was dating accusing me of being “not gay enough.? She told me that she thought I could never commit to a woman and that I was just in it for the sex. And OMG I have straight male friends that I might somehow accidentally fuck one day. Heaven forbid I allow a real live penis within fifty feet. This is not the first time I’ve encountered these “not gay enough? games and I’m frustrated by the whole thing. I really hate having to prove myself to be gay enough just because I’m willing to admit that I’ve had relationship with men and I make lesbian porn. How on earth would I prove that I’m gay enough? Do I have to get married or what? The California courts are still deciding on the same-sex marriage issue, so I don’t know if I could get married at this point in time.

I understand that there are quite a few women at the clubs who are looking for a threesome or a lesbian experience to show off to their boyfriends. I think these women are pretty obvious, so if you’re not interested it’s easy enough to avoid. I have no problems avoiding these types of situations! I also know that there are plenty of lesbians who have had relationships with men, myself included. I’m very aware of the dyke drama of who slept with a man this week. We all know that these things happen and we’re all still gay queer lesbians.

There are some huge misconceptions about bisexual women not being very queer, not being able to commit to women, only being interested in sex and that sort of thing. Tell me you don’t know any lesbians who are promiscuous and have commitment issues! Bisexual women are no different from us. They just happen to also be interested in men. We all know that labels for sexual orientation and gender identity can be just as troublesome as they are useful. I think it’s really pretty absurd to start excluding people and distancing them from the community when they want to be involved. I also know a number of gender queer and trans-folk that identify as bisexual because their own gender identity is fluid. All of these people are our allies, and we need all the allies we can get. Bisexual women are not trying to crash our party. They’re not trying to take advantage of us. Why does it matter so much if your ex left you for a man? She would still be your ex if she had left you for another woman.

Accusing and excluding only tears our community apart. Accusing women of not being gay enough is really unnecessary. Not only does it distance sincere lesbians, but it also turns away our bisexual allies. If you are not personally interested in romantic relationships with particular women, that’s your business. Don’t go ruining the scene just because you think someone is “not gay enough.?

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3 Responses to “Biphobia hurts us all”

  1. Meredith Says:

    Really outstanding post, Roxxie…this needs to be shared elsewhere.

  2. Adele Says:

    This post has really resonated with me. I’ve been on both sides of the debate – on the one hand, I’m a poly bi woman married to a man, on the other hand, I’ve been bitterly hurt by a girl who later confessed she’d been trying to impress a guy by going out with me. I’d love to not have to prove myself to girls, but at the same time I see why they might be cautious.

  3. Sandy Says:

    Thanks for an intelligent ‘blog’ from a happy to be bi gal xx

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