| Permalink Archive for October, 2008
The Future of American Marriage
October 22, 2008 | 
Events
I recently attended my first real legal California same sex wedding. It was amazing and really redefined what marriage means to me. I had never liked weddings or marriage. Long before I ever knew that there was such a thing as being queer I picked up on the patriarchal and anti-feminist overtones of traditional marriage. As a child I never wanted to dress up as a bride, play with bride dolls or role play weddings. I thought it was absurd that I would have to change my last name when I grew up and married. I must have been about fourteen when my mother began to talk about my wedding. I knew several women who were married while in high school. I didn’t know to call myself queer yet, but I knew marriage wasn’t for me.
I know several couples that got married recently under the new laws, but none of them had weddings. They were all well established couples that had been partnered for many years, so the marriage was a legal confirmation of their already existing relationship. It seems that straight weddings are traditionally a ceremony for the beginning of a new relationship. Same sex couples have not had this luxury, and seem to need to prove their commitments over time in order to be accepted. When you’re straight you can wear a ring and that’s all you need to prove your commitment. My friend’s wedding ceremony was about acknowledging a relationship that had been committed for nine years. The minister spoke about how she could not sanctify the marriage because they already sanctified it for themselves in their hearts. It was a revolution. I would have a wedding if I could have a ceremony just like that.
I think it’s really very sad that more queer couples aren’t having big weddings while they’re young, but legal marriage is still very new. I can’t imagine ever having a white wedding or spending a lot of money on a wedding, but when I find THE ONE I want everyone on earth to know. Marriage is not just about love and sex. It is truly about partnership in the journey of life, and building family. To be included in family holidays as wife rather than just as girlfriend is a dream come true.
On the ballot in California this November there is a constitutional amendment to deny same sex couples equal marriage rights. I was in a domestic partnership for seven years, and I was constantly worried about what would happen if one of us died or there was some other emergency. Who has power of attorney in a dire situation? In San Francisco people seem to be more understanding of non-traditional relationships, but who knows what the courts might decide if a homophobic family member wants to take control. There are so many questions and holes in the domestic partnership program. Marriage is really a necessity for same sex couples, just as it was a necessity for mixed race couples when the Supreme Court struck down miscegenation laws in 1967.
Eight lesbian bloggers have come together as “8 against 8” to raise money for the No on Prop. 8 campaign. California is more of a battle ground than people realize. In 2000 there was a proposition on the ballot to legally define marriage as a union between a man and a woman. It passed. This was challenged in the California Supreme court and found to be unconstitutional. Now these conservative patriarchal types want to change the California constitution to suit their agenda. It won’t be long before same sex marriage makes it to the Supreme Court. “8 Against 8” is collecting donations for eight days, October 20-27. Donate or see what they have to say HERE
