I Fail at Lesbian

June 8, 2008 | Uncategorized

I’ve never felt like I fit in with lesbian or queer communities. Every now and then I try again, and it just doesn’t click. It all started in high school when I didn’t come out.

I ended up at a “residential high school” or boarding school, and was very far away from my family and small rural hometown. The other students at the school were very diverse, and there was a small group of gay and lesbian students. Many of them were not out to their families or the teachers, but all the students knew what was going on. I thought that maybe this would be a good opportunity for me to explore my sexual orientation away from the judgmental environment I grew up in. However, I didn’t really fit in with the gay and lesbian crowd. In fact I didn’t really like them at all. The gossip about sexual behavior was disgusting. There were some very dramatic and flamboyant personalities that I didn’t get along with. I didn’t want to hug these people. I didn’t want to sit with them at meals. I didn’t want to join their club. I didn’t want them to know that I was a lesbian too. I didn’t come out because I didn’t really want to be involved with the gay and lesbian students. I learned in my senior year that I had been voted, “most likely to come out” in my junior year. I was disturbed that they were talking about me and wanted me to come out.

There were some quietly bi women that weren’t really involved and were much more agreeable to me. They were much quieter about their romantic involvement with other women, but spoke openly about relationships with men. Since I wasn’t out and I wasn’t dating women I spent time with this group. In my senior year I had a very discreet girlfriend that maybe one or two people knew about. It was nice, and I still didn’t come out.

Things haven’t changed much since then. I’m not specifically hiding, but I also don’t advertise. I seem to come up on everyone’s gaydar anyway. I don’t date much because I don’t know many women that are interested in dating women. I have a few lesbian and bisexual female friends. Every now and then I go to women’s or queer events, when I get lonely. My contact never seems to last long because I feel like I just don’t fit. Being Pride month, there are a lot of events and people come out from under their rocks to participate. I’m coming out from under my rock too. I’m hoping I’ll have better luck connecting this time.

Posted by roxxie @ 4:29 am | Leave a Comment »   

Comments

1. grace Says:
   

   it sounds to me like you are not sure if you are a lesbian or just find the thought “interesting” how sure are you?

   October 12th, 2008 at 8:34 am

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